Know your Adult Attachment Style
When completing this questionnaire, please focus on one significant relationship – ideally a current or past partner as the focus here is on adult relationships. This does not necessarily need to be a romantic relationship but must be the individual with whom you feel the most connection. Who is your primary “go to” person if you’re sick, in trouble, want to celebrate, call with news, etc.
This questionnaire is designed to be an interactive learning tool. Please highlight, circle, or comment on any statements that are particularly relevant to you or that you’d like to revisit for exploration at a later time.
When responding, consider how strongly you identify with each statement – disagree, mostly agree, strongly agree. Using the scale below, respond in the space provided.
Answer the questions below
I attempt to discover and meet the needs of my partner whenever possible.
I struggle to feel safe with my partner.
If my partner and I hit a glitch, it’s relatively easy for me to apologize, brainstorm a win-win solution, and/or repair the misattunement or disharmony.
It is difficult for me to say NO or to set realistic boundaries.
It is important for my partner to keep arrangements simple and clear because I am easily confused or disoriented, especially when stressed.
Keeping agreements with my partner is a priority.
I am always yearning for something or someone that I feel I cannot have.
I feel relaxed with my partner most of the time.
When I give more than I get, I often become resentful and/ or harbor a grudge.
It is easier for me to think things through than to express myself emotionally.
I feel like my partner is always there but I would often prefer to have my own space unless I invite the connection.
When I reach a certain level of intimacy with my partner, I sometimes experience inexplicable fear.
At the same time as I feel a deep wish to be close with my partner, I also have a paralyzing fear of losing the relationship.
I rarely feel satisfied with the relationships/ connection I have with partners.
I want closeness but am also afraid of the one I desire to be close with. I get stuck in approach-avoidance patterns with my partner.
I often expect the worst to happen in my relationship.
It is often difficult to receive love from my partner when they express it.
I have a hard time remembering and discussing the feelings related to my past attachment situations, when I try I disconnect, dissociate, or get confused.
I insist on self-reliance; I do many of life’s tasks or my hobbies, alone and I have difficulty reaching out when I need help.
I sometimes feel superior in not needing others and I wish others were more self-sufficient.
In an attempt to stabilize connection, sometimes, I over-function, over-adapt, over-accommodate, or over-apologize for things I didn’t do.
I attempt to maintain safety in our relationship and actively protect my partner from others and from harm.
I often tend to “merge” or lose myself in my partner and feel what they feel, or want what they want.
When I lose a relationship, at first I tend to experience separation elation and then become depressed
When presented with problems, I often feel stumped and feel they are irresolvable.
I feel inexplicably stressed when my partner arrives home or approaches me – especially when he or she wants to connect.
I chronically second-guess myself and sometimes wish I had said something differently.
My instinctive self-protective responses are often unavailable when possible danger is present – leaving me feeling immobilized, disconnected, or “gone”.
Sometimes I prefer casual sex over a committed relationship.
I want to be close with my partner but feel angry at my partner at the same time.
I tend to lose myself in relationships because I tend to over-focus on others.
I find myself minimizing the importance of close relationships in my life.
I find it easy to flow between being close and connected with my partner to being on my own.
I am comfortable being affectionate with my partner.
It is difficult for me to be alone. If alone, I feel stressed, abandoned, hurt, and/or angry.
I look at my partner with kindness and caring and look forward to our time together.
I feel that people are essentially good at heart.
Protection often feels out of reach.
I feel comfortable expressing my own needs.
After anxiously awaiting my partner's arrival, I end up picking fights.
My partner often comments or complains that I am controlling.
I have an exaggerated startle response when others approach me unexpectedly.
I often find eye contact uncomfortable and/ or particularly difficult to maintain.
I tend to prefer relationships with things or animals instead of people.
I can keep secrets, protect my partner’s privacy, and respect boundaries.
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